I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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