My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wear drunk well.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize