I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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