Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
