she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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