if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
