I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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