I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
