this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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