I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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