Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
