Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
