My friends, they love my intelligence
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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