He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
