I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
