A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
