I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
