You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
