why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize