I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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