I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
