i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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