my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
