i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
