Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
