I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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