how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
