I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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