I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
