Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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