My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
