Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
