So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
