I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
