Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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