Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
