How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
