You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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