happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
