his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
