i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
