Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
