One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
