His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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