I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
