Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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