he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
