and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
