Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
