I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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