I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
