Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
