My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
