Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My pussy is not your playground.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
