forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
