one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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