You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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