Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize