I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
